Proportionate Retribution
by The Sage of Toads
Summary: Hailed as the worst fanfic I've ever written and winner of week two of The Fanfiction Forum's fourth Iron Fic competition. Ranma's final attempt at disarming Akane of the Battle Dougi ends in a decidedly painful way for him. Rated T for Level 3 Old-School Beatdown.


Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan-made parody. Ranma ½ belongs to Rumiko Takahashi and a bunch of other jack-offs.

Proportionate Retribution

_Or..._

Akane just snaps and totally wails on Ranma

**[Only Chapter]  
**

"Do you think I'm an idiot?"

Ranma recoiled from Akane and the park bench she sat upon, not expecting that response to his difficult confession. He had just barely surpassed his own machismo and ego to compliment her, and this was what he got?

Akane leaned back against the bench, regarding him with contempt. "Ten minutes ago you had me in the closet, trying to put the moves on me so Do-chan would abandon me. Now you're here trying to butter me up some more."

She reached up and patted the clothing draped over her shoulder for emphasis, the aforementioned "Do-chan" or Battle Dougi, and the target of Ranma's ire since it chose Akane over him the other day. Since then, Akane has been consecutively mopping the floor with him, not only demolishing him physically but tearing away large chunks of his pride as well. It was pushing Ranma to limits that he thought he'd never willingly go to.

"B-Butter you up? No! I-!" Ranma's indignant stammering stopped when Akane raised her hand.

"You're jealous," she said.

Ranma recoiled once more. "Jealous! Who're you calling jealous you uncute-!"

Akane jumped from the bench, and got right up into his face, holding the battle dougi behind her to keep it out of his reach. "I'm calling _you_jealous, you macho, self-centered asshole!"

He lost his footing, stepping back reflexively as Akane glared at him. "This isn't about how you feel about me, it never was! All you care about is getting rid of _my_ Battle Dougi so _you_can stop boo-hooing about how I kick your ass without breaking a sweat!"

Akane turned her back to him. "It's just like the Super Soba."

Well, crap, Ranma had hoped Akane had forgotten about that. Still, he tried to argue otherwise. "No it isn't!"

"You're right, it isn't," Akane agreed. "There aren't any negative effects to having Do-chan, so you don't have an excuse this time." She glanced back at him. "You're the worst person Ranma. My feelings don't even matter to you."

"Yes they do!" He shot back.

Akane turned her nose up. "Then let me keep Do-chan."

"NO!" Ranma yelled.

Akane walked away from him. "I thought so."

Ranma rounded Akane in an instant, blocking her path with arms stretched out. "Akane, that thing is messing with your head! You think it's great and all, but it's a perverted, jealous, petty suit that just likes being wrapped around what _it_thinks are cute girls!"

In hindsight, Ranma would regret adding that jab.

"So it's just like you?" Akane asked. Before Ranma could defend himself, she jabbed him in the chest with a finger accusingly. "After all! You'd like me better if I had a body like Shampoo, or if I fed you like Ukyo!"

She jabbed him twice more. "But no, I'm the uncute violent girl with a small chest and wide hips!" She stepped back from him, and rolled her eyes. "But the moment you need something from me, all of a sudden you're stammering and fumbling over all the nice things you want to say to me, treating me like I mean something to you and knowing _full well _that I'll cave because I actually l-l-li..."

Akane trailed off, and she looked away with an awkward silence... for all of two seconds before she looked back to Ranma, her voice returning with a sardonic edge. "...Liiiiike you."

Akane let go of the Battle Dougi, and cracked her knuckles as she glared at Ranma. "I'm not letting you take away something that _I _want again, just so you can satisfy your pathetic little ego!"

When she lowered her hands, she was wearing the Battle Dougi, and an ominous battle aura wrapped around her. "Ranma, I'm going to kick your ass!"

Well, this situation got out of control fast, appealing to her feelings was just not going to cut it. Ranma's attention immediately focused on the belt of the Battle Dougi, wrapped snugly around Akane's waist. Once he hit that, the suit would be destroyed, and Akane would be back to normal–why was his everything hurting?

Oh, Akane had punched him in the stomach, lifting him off his feet. Now she was grabbing his arm and swinging him over her shoulder to slam him face first into the–OW. OW. OW. OW. OW. OW.

* * *

Nearby, Soun, Genma, Kasumi, and Nabiki watched as Akane began digging a large hole by punching Ranma into the ground. After only a half-dozen hits, the pit was already thirty meters deep. Soun was weeping, even as the park trembled around the group of spectators, as Genma patted him on the back in consolation.

"I think we've crossed the border from Domestic Violence into Attempted Murder," Nabiki observed as the park's fountain collapsed into the growing hole made by Akane's beatdown.

Kasumi as blithe as she wanted to be, simply replied, "Akane's just a little stressed out. I'm sure once it's out of her system, they'll be perfectly fine after."

Nabiki stared blankly at Kasumi, and shrugged her shoulders.

Ranma, now a girl thanks to the water spilling into the hole Akane made, was launched into the air and crashed into a tree, leaving a perfect imprint of her body in the bark. The tree was summarily blown in half, when Akane suddenly appeared to kick Ranma into and through it.

Ranma skipped along the ground, until she crashed head first into another tree. Groaning, she began to push herself up, when Akane grabbed her by her ankle.

"You always tease me," Akane said as she lifted Ranma up and slammed her back down. "You always chase after stupid Shampoo, and you get cozy to Ukyo!"

She slammed her into the ground again. "You only compliment me when I cook you food!"

She slammed her a few more times, like a small but disproportionately strong cartoon character dispatching a much larger foe. "You never call me cute unless it's convenient to you, and even when you do it's like you're cutting off your own arm!"

With a single swing, Akane cut through the poor tree Ranma had crashed into, using Ranma as the blade.

"Everything, _everything _has to be about you and I'm sick of it!" She smashed another tree, and another, and another, using Ranma as her instrument of deforestation.

She jumped up and swung Ranma down, slicing a tree in half vertically and wedging her deep into the trunk. Standing atop Ranma's back, Akane took a few breaths, and began stomping on her back, wedging her further and further into the trunk, until with a great deal of creaking and popping, the tree fell to the ground in twain.

Ranma groaned in pain and rolled over onto her back, only to have Akane stomp on her face. "Ow."

"I'm so sick and tired of how you string me along, because you can't get over yourself! Like us being together is going to get you killed!"

Nabiki almost commented on something but noted that she liked living with her vital organs intact, unlike Ranma.

"...At this rate... it is..."

A malicious gleam appeared in Akane's eyes, and she smiled. "Oh Ranma, I'm not the one hurting you right now, you are."

She stomped on her again. "Silly Ranma."

She stomped her again.

"You."

Again.

"Brought."

Again, harder.

"This!"

Again, much harder.

"On!"

She jumped, flipped and stomped on Ranma with both feet, the force of the impact causing trees to topple over a short distance away.

"YOURSELF!"

Akane stepped off Ranma, and wiped the sweat from her brow as she caught her breath. Ranma was most certainly still alive, but it was clear as day that she had entered a world of pain beyond comprehension. Steadying herself, Akane looked down at her fiance, as the man-turned-woman tried to move.

"I just want to be taken seriously, and respected, and loved... but you can't do that. You won't." She reached down and lifted Ranma's limp body off the ground by her collar. "I want you to look and me, and care about me like those rare moments when you actually _do _show affection. But you won't."

She punched Ranma in the stomach, each blow creating a noticeable shockwave that exited Ranma's back. "You won't." She punched her again. "You won't." Again. "You won't." Again. "You won't."

Soun grasped Genma. "Saotome, we have to stop her before she kills him!"

Them? Stop her? The panda just laughed at the very idea.

Ranma just mumbled something incoherently, her eyes rolling back. Akane slapped her, snapping her from falling into unconsciousness. "Look at me, Ranma. Look at me."

She pulled Ranma close and asked him in a surprisingly level tone, "Is how _you_ treat _me _fair?"

Ranma slowly shook his head. Akane nodded. "Do I deserve how _you_ treat _me_?"

Ranma whimpered, and shook her head.

Akane nodded in satisfaction. "Ranma, I like you, a lot. I like you when you protect me and smile at me and are really nice to me. But until you can be that person more..."

She dropped Ranma to the ground, leaving her a pretty much demolished heap of cursed human being. "...I don't want to even look at you."

From where she lay on the ground, Ranma's eyes grew wide.

Akane turned and began to walk away from him. She looked relieved, as though a tremendous weight had been removed from her shoulders.

"...I..."

She stopped when she heard Ranma speak. She looked back.

Ranma had managed to get back up, she was standing on wobbly legs, looking like she'd run through a slaughterhouse running at full tilt. Taking a step forward, she fell onto her hands and knees, before slowly looking up at Akane.

"Akane, I..." She could barely hold her head up, and looked down. Tears fell to the ground below her. "...I-I'm sorry... I'm sorry f-for bein' such a j-jerk..."

Akane stared at her, and the others looked on with baited breath. A long silence passed, before Akane finally replied.

"How do I know _this _isn't a trick?"

Ranma kept her head bowed and sobbed. "It's n-not, I m-mean it... I'm sorry Akane. I'm really sorry, for everything! You can keep the stupid Battle Dougi, you can beat me u-up all you want."

Akane walked over, and crouched down beside Ranma. "You're crying, you know."

"I... know... I'm s-sorry..." She whimpered, sounding like a child who got punished for doing something bad. Akane smiled warmly, and patted the top of Ranma's head consolingly.

Soun just stared blankly, as Genma recoiled with a very real horror written over his panda bear face. "She... she broke him."

Nabiki wished she had brought her camera.

Kasumi was delighted. "See? They just needed to work it out!"

Nabiki gave her sister the strangest look.

Sitting down with Ranma, Akane scooped her into a hug, and rubbed her weeping fiance's back. Things were going to be okay from now on.

* * *

A/N: Hey, before you hit that review button. Stop and ask yourself, is this really a bashfic or the borderline meltdown of a relationship based on mutual antagonism?


End file.
